I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
