i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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