hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
