youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
