would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
