Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
