My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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