I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
