Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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