i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
