i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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