I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wish there were birth control emojis
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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