member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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