John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
