there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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