am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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