I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
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You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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