The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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