you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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