I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
