I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
