every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
