I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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