Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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