I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
