I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
