yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
