I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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