You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
