I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
