the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
