You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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