running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
