mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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