Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
