If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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