It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
