dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
