i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
