dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
