The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
