totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
