I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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