Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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