can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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