he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
