one two three fourrrrnication!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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