oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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