I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
