If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
