I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
