I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
