Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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