It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
