I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
