if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
