dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
