Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
