So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We talked him into tasing himself.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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