You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
