I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
