My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
