my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
