The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
